<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>i always think about you and how we don't speak enough by sugdensrobert</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25954351">i always think about you and how we don't speak enough</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugdensrobert/pseuds/sugdensrobert'>sugdensrobert</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Emmerdale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Anxiety (disorder), Established Relationship, Insomnia, M/M, Many references to feelings of anxiety, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Written for robert week 2020</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:06:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,441</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25954351</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugdensrobert/pseuds/sugdensrobert</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>robert tries his hardest to hide his problems from Aaron, it doesn't go too well.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>70</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i always think about you and how we don't speak enough</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i won't lie to you guys, most of this fic has been living on my latop for about a year now. when i saw the prompt for robert week day one i decided that it would be a good opportunity to finally finish/edit and post this fic!</p><p>i'm extremely nervous about this one because it's unlike anything else i've written before. it definitely features more angst than my fics normally do! </p><p>This fic is set in 2018, very vaguely between the time of the carbon monixide leak and the wedding (with many changes in canon that aren't too relevant but will become clear throughout reading).</p><p>happy reading x</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He can’t sleep, can’t seem to switch his mind off. This seems to be the new normal for him and he hates it, hates knowing that this is something he still struggles with, something that still seems to occur even now he’s finally happy.</p><p> </p><p>He remembers going through a seemingly endless phase of this when he was younger. His mind would go to horrible places, sometimes when he couldn’t sleep and layed awake staring at the ceiling, other times just as he was sitting at the dinner table, or watching a film with his family. He’s never quite found out why it was happening.</p><p>Now he’s older Robert thinks he might be able to put a name to whatever it is he’s feeling. One that’s said a lot more these days, one that he reads and hears about on a daily basis. A word that his husband uses. Anxiety is what he’s feeling, he knows that even when he can’t explain <em>exactly </em>what it is he’s feeling.</p><p>He doesn’t feel this terrible pressure on his chest and this worry that makes him believe he’s about to faint when he’s about to meet new people or when he’s about to woo a client with a presentation. He feels it when he thinks about losing the people he loves, or when he actually <em>imagines </em>losing them. It’s all pretty morbid which is why Robert isn’t planning on explaining it all to anyone any time soon. He just needs to hide it all a little longer until the phase passes, just like it did when he was younger.</p><p>He’ll feel this overwhelming fear when he’s reading the news or even when he’s watching a fictional film. Terrible events shocking Robert into thinking about <em>him </em>losing the people he loves.</p><p>He remembers how similar feelings first started to occur just after his mum had died, before he found out that it hadn’t been a total accident. He would lay awake for hours on end at night, thinking who’d be next, he’d imagined his dad dying, wondering what would then happen to him and his siblings. He’d imagine his sister getting ill again, suffering from more heart problems.</p><p>Now he’s older he realises more and more that it’s not normal. Unfortunately terrible things can happen at any time, to anyone but obsessing over it all the time is not healthy. Robert doesn’t want to think like this but he can only cling onto the hope that it will be over soon. Pushing away the knowledge that he’s had nightmares for weeks now, that he’s been jolting awake at something he can’t touch for even longer.</p><p>He’s worked out that all of it is possibly a result from the last few chaotic months. Nearly being poisoned by a deliberate carbon-monoxide leak would be enough to make anyone feel more paranoid than normal right?</p><p>Then there’s the fact that he only got back with Aaron a few months ago, the fear has definitely subsided but there’s still that little voice in Robert’s head that pops up every now and then, telling him that Aaron might change his mind after all. Then there’s the worry about Liv’s drinking and Rebecca’s brain injury and how this might affect his son.</p><p>He just needs to battle through it a little longer and then he’ll be fine. He needs to get better at hiding it though. He remembers the way Aaron had frowned at his behaviour yesterday and he cringes.</p><p>He had practically ran outside when he came home to Liv telling him that Aaron was cleaning the windows outside. The idea of Aaron standing on a ladder with no supervision had been enough to make him feel like someone was taking a hammer to his chest.</p><p>His husband’s face at his reaction had been comical if Robert hadn’t been so worried. He had commanded Aaron to come down and Aaron, most likely too bewildered at the whole situation, did just that. He had yelled at him then, telling him that he shouldn’t be standing on a ladder when there was no one else around, that Liv being inside the house wasn’t good enough, that she wouldn’t see him fall.</p><p>Aaron had huffed, understandably annoyed at the way Robert was treating him but he couldn’t help it. His overwhelming worry evoking the same reactions from Vic when he reminds her once again to not leave Rebecca alone with Seb, or when he demands Diane to check the texts he’s sent her so that he knows she’s okay, or when he texts Liv over and over again when she doesn’t immediately reply and is home late.</p><p>
  <em>(“I’m the one living with her Robert, I know how to deal with Rebecca’s brain injury. Seb is always safe here.”)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(“Robert, why wouldn’t I be okay, and why do you keep texting me the most irrelevant things, recently?”)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(God Robert, I thought Aaron was the worrier of the family. At least give me some time to even type a reply.”)</em>
</p><p>He’s not just a mess he’s also an annoyance. It’s really not great.</p><p> </p><p>When it’s like this, when he’s alone and he feels this familiar tightness in his chest, he tries to distract himself with anything he can find. It makes it worse sometimes, other times it helps him.</p><p> </p><p>He hasn’t told Aaron any of what’s been going on, of course. No doubt his husband has noticed that something’s up and Robert hates how he knows that the younger man trusts him enough to come to him in time, when he’s ready. Robert doesn’t think he’s ever ready to explain this mess. He doesn’t want to upset Aaron in any way. He doesn’t want to burden Aaron with this problem especially when there’s no need for it. How is he supposed to tell his husband that <em>yes</em> he’s so happy now but at the same time he can’t stop worrying about losing all of it. The biggest reason for his secrecy however is because of something that Robert knows Aaron would call him daft for- but it makes sense in Robert’s head. His husband has to cope with awful memories, that were always there, that could bubble up to the surface at any moment. It makes Robert feel guilty about his issues because all this anxiety that he’s feeling is over stuff that hasn’t <em>actually</em> happened. They were all a result of his ridiculous and restless mind. He didn’t have any right to burden his husband with his anxiety about stuff that he was practically making up as he went along.</p><p> </p><p>Robert glances at Aaron, looking peaceful in his sleep. It’s a shame that getting to sleep has been so hard for him lately because at least sleeping means no thoughts, no worries. He doesn’t know how long he’s been staring at the ceiling for but his eyes hurt from glaring holes in it.</p><p>He needs sleep. Robert knows that a good night’s sleep will make him feel better than another restless night. He just needs to try a little harder.</p><p>Praying that his movements don’t wake up his husband, he turns to his side and spoons up behind Aaron, an arm firmly on his stomach and his face pressed to his shoulder.</p><p>“Rob?” comes the sleepy murmur from his husband who has started to stir a bit.</p><p>“Go back to sleep.” Robert says softly, rubbing Aaron’s stomach but his husband is determined to find out how much sleep he still has to look forward to. Reaching slightly out of Robert’s grip he grabs his phone.</p><p>“It’s 3:30.” Aaron states, more to himself than anyone else.</p><p>“Right.” Robert replies, kissing his husband’s clothed shoulder after he’s settled down again. “Sorry for waking you.” He squeezes his eyes shut, determined not to wake Aaron up again even if he spends the night tossing and turning, the both of them losing sleep wasn’t going to help anyone. The younger man needs more sleep, Robert decides- work in the yard is more demanding, Robert can do without, easy.</p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p>He dreams about fires two nights in a row. It’s no use hiding these nightmares from his husband- there are too many kicks involved for that but what he can do is tell him that he can’t remember what the nightmare was about. Robert wouldn’t be able to forgive himself for the look on Aaron’s face if he told him the truth, the worry, the questions.</p><p>He lets the younger man shush him, hold him, until he thankfully falls into a dreamless sleep.</p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p>Robert can feel himself getting restless. Tea is ready but he doesn’t have an appetite- Liv had been, according to her, absolutely starving and had wolfed down her meal about half an hour earlier before disappearing to her room. Robert’s sitting on the couch on his own, getting so conscious about his own heartbeat that it makes him feel lightheaded, his knee bouncing up and down. He know it’s silly, keeps telling himself that it is. Aaron’s late, stuck in traffic, he got a text earlier telling him to have his tea, to not wait up. But that was about half an hour ago now, and after that text there had been nothing, which probably means that Aaron’s driving, but Robert can’t help but feel that something bad is about to happen.</p><p>
  <em>It would be your fault, you thought of all these scenario’s.</em>
</p><p>When Robert is about to convince himself some more that this is indeed all his fault the door flies open, revealing his husband- home in one piece. Before Robert can filter any kind of emotion he practically runs up to the younger man who’s still trying to shrug off his coat.</p><p>“Woah Rob- hey.“ The younger man sounds bewildered but accepts and melts into the hug. Robert is the first to let go, feeling guilty and weird about freaking out like this, the way he hardly let Aaron through the door before practically crushing him.</p><p>“You okay?” he asks, trying and failing to sound casual.</p><p>“I am- but are you?” Aaron says, looking his husband up and down before glancing around and seeing the table set for two. “Haven’t you eaten yet?” Aaron frowns “I told you not to wait.” Robert shrugs. “I know you did I just- I was worried.”</p><p>“I was only stuck in traffic Rob- it was busier than I expected.” Aaron says searching Robert’s face.</p><p>“I know, sorry it’s silly.” Aaron shakes his head “what are you sorry for eh? Hey- you must be starving. I kept myself occupied by stuffing sweets in the car.” Aaron grins and Robert matches it. He feels silly and embarrassed for the way he overreacted but there isn’t anything he can do about that now, he just hopes Aaron buys it all, that he isn’t going to start asking questions. Robert really had to get his act together before his husband realises that there is more to whatever <em>this</em> is.</p><p>“Let’s go eat then, yeah?” He says, heading to the kitchen to plate up, the younger man following suit.</p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p>He dreams about his mum. Normally he welcomes these dreams. They are happy. He’s able to have the people he loves most, together in one room. This time it feels like his mind is mocking him. Reminding him of what he’s lost, who he <em>could</em> lose.</p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p>The pain and pressure in his chest are starting to become something he’s getting far too used to. He imagines seeing the GP about it, the answers he could possibly get- he shakes off the thought. He will go on until he really can’t anymore, the approach that’s worked for him time and time before.</p><p>He cuts down on coffee, knows it can increase feelings of anxiety. It’s not like he <em>doesn’t</em> want <em>this</em> to get better- it’s just that telling anyone isn’t an option. He’s sure he’ll be able to fix this all by himself.</p><p>The reduction of coffee makes it harder to struggle through his lack of sleep.</p><p>He decides to wait out the week, if nothing improves he’ll go to the doctor- make out that insomnia is his only problem, receive sleeping pills. That has worked before too.</p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p>There’s this loud bang just outside their bedroom door, either that or Robert is imagining things now too. Aaron doesn’t wake up so maybe he was imagining it. He holds his breath, listens out for any other sounds. There doesn’t seem to be any. It’s probably mice, he thinks. Robert breathes out as he goes back to staring at the ceiling, his hands on his stomach. His heart is still pounding and there’s that tingly feeling in his chest again. He thinks of waking up Aaron, envisions them sticking on the telly and staying up the whole night- something they do sometimes, when one of them can’t sleep. He doesn’t though, because sleepless nights aren’t rare to him anymore. If he started waking up Aaron to keep him company he doesn’t know if he could ever stop.</p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p>He remembers the fear he felt when he thought Seb was about to lose his mother after the accident. He knows he has to start looking after himself.</p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p>Robert knows it won’t be long until his husband loses all his patience with him. Aaron now frowns at him more than ever before, throws him concerned glances every morning when he’s up before his husband, when he’s squinting at his phone, eyes red.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p>It seems to be even worse when Robert is away. Being away from his family makes him feel even more out of control when he’s feeling like this. His conversation with his husband had managed to make him feel slightly calmer, reassured but now the silence is the only thing accompanying him in this hotel room again, it’s hard to keep his thoughts and anxiety at bay.</p><p>He misses Aaron, thinks of their chat over the phone earlier.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Hey, you alright?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah all good. How was the meeting, did you get the deal?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Robert had frowned, almost having forgotten the whole reason for him being in a hotel room in Manchester on his own in the first place.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah. It was all fine. Now I just miss you, I really need to stop doing these overnight stays.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Good, I knew you could do it. Nah, you love it really- a nice hotel on the business card?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Not without you.” He heard his husband’s soft sigh, closed his eyes and imagined Aaron next to him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Soft. I miss the times I would go with you but with Seb-“</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No of course. I miss it too. I’ll be back before noon tomorrow.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Okay. Night then, please get some rest. Don’t think I haven’t noticed your countless restless nights.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“As if I’d be able to sleep any better here without you than at home- but I’ll try. Promise.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Love ya. Let me know when you’re about to leave tomorrow.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Will do. Love you too. Goodnight.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Robert sighs, knows another sleepless night is waiting for him.</p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p>It all comes to a head when Aaron insists on going to Scarborough on his own.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you.” Robert asks, the question practically sounding like a plea.</p><p>“No it’s your day off, and I really don’t feel like listening to your music the whole way there thank you very much.” Aaron jokes, well he thinks it’s a joke, <em>of course it’s a joke.</em></p><p>“Because we are never in the car together” Robert counters and Aaron rolls his eyes. “Rob, why are you so desperate to come with me- a run out to Scarborough in this weather won’t be anything special, you know.” Aaron says, nodding towards the window, referring to the grey and gloomy scene outside. The younger man has a scrap run to Scarborough planned for the day and Robert’s taking a rare day off, so naturally he wants to go along. “If you simply don’t want me to come with you, you can just say Aaron- I can take it.”</p><p>“What- no don’t be like that.” Aaron sighs, Robert knows he’s being sulky but the fear of his comment being even slightly close to the truth is almost overwhelming. This was his husband, the man who visibly perks up when he’s waiting for Robert to join him anywhere, the man who needs to have Robert by his side to enjoy any kind of social event. Why was Aaron so determined for Robert not to come along when he had a day off, why would he rather have a drive out without him.</p><p>“Robert” the younger man’s voice sounds stern. Robert looks up, watches his husband come over to him on the couch. “It’s not that, not at all and you know that. I always want you with me. I just think you should take advantage of a day off. As much as I love your company I would rather know you are here at home resting, just taking some time for yourself, catching up on whatever show you’re watching or reading some of your book. If it was further out I probably wouldn’t be this selfless you know.” Aaron grins “but I’ll be back before you know it and then we can spend some time together- just us, alright?”</p><p>“But- I want to keep you company and I don’t need a rest.” Aaron shakes his head, undoubtedly noticing how Robert’s resolve is weakening. “I know you do Rob. And if your dark circles weren’t getting worse by the day I would love to listen to your shitty pop songs with you, but I think those are a sign that you could do with some rest don’t you?”</p><p>Robert nods reluctantly, knows his husband is right and <em>maybe</em> trying to catch up on some sleep isn’t such a bad idea. Hiding himself away, not having anyone around for a bit was actually quite appealing now he thought about it.</p><p>“Sorry.” He whispers.</p><p>“Don’t be sorry. You know I don’t need space from you don’t you? And even if I wanted some time to myself I would tell you okay? I wouldn’t run from you Rob.” Aaron says sincerely and Robert feels his chest hurting with guilt. “Sorry I know- I just got worried.”</p><p>“You don’t need to be Robert.” Aaron looks visibly saddened and it makes Robert feel even worse. He is about to apologize again when the younger man stands up and walks towards the kitchen. Robert quickly follows suit, wrapping his arms around Aaron. “I am sorry.” He mumbles into his husband’s shoulder, can’t help but say it again. Putting some space in between them so he can look into Aaron’s eyes, he says “I will get some rest I promise.” He means it. Even now when he’s been feeling so unsure and down for the past few days, weeks, months- his husband still has that ability to make him feel better.</p><p>“Good- I’ll text ya when I am on my way home okay? So you can order our takeaway and we’ll have a night in.” Robert nods happily and Aaron pecks at his lips before Robert grabs his face to give him a proper kiss. “More of that later” he whispers and Aaron’s smile lights him up- makes him want to keep going. “Love ya, see ya later.”</p><p>“Love you.” Robert smiles, smiles some more when Aaron turns around again- just when he’s about to step out of the door, and rushes over to give Robert another kiss on his forehead. “Love ya” he says again and then the door slams shut and Robert’s alone. “I love you” he whispers towards the closed door. He ignores the voice in his head telling him that Aaron knows that something’s up with him.</p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p>He has no idea what he’s watching really, but the noises in the background are somewhat comforting. He scrolls on his phone, opening all sorts of news articles while he sips his tea. He looks at the time, Aaron must be nearing Scarborough now. <em>Aaron. </em>Robert smiles when he thinks about the way he was this morning, despite knowing that Aaron is worried about him even more than usual. Robert loves the way his husband is able to lift up his spirits so effortlessly.</p><p>After another 15 minutes of aimlessly scrolling through his phone he decides to do the washing up. Something his husband always laughs at him for. (<em>“We have a dishwasher, why would you even do it by hand.”) </em>But it was just one of those things for Robert, he liked his hands being busy when his thoughts were running wild, it gave him something else to focus on. The fact that it also made him feel useful was helpful. Unfortunately it was a quick task and Robert soon found himself feelings useless and restless again. A good solution to this would be going round to the pub or calling round to Vic’s (Seb had been with her and Rebecca for the past few days) but being completely honest with himself, he knows he lacks the energy to speak to anyone who isn’t Aaron, hell he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to talk to his husband right this minute, he just wanted him here, to cuddle up to, to sit there in silence with him, having Seb with them. It would be enough to stop him feeling like <em>this </em>again.</p><p>The earlier thought of being alone wasn’t so appealing anymore. Especially of late, being alone just gave Robert’s mind the opportunity to think all sorts.</p><p>He didn’t even have such a bad night last night but it obviously hadn’t been enough to catch up on the lack of sleep that he’d been collecting over the past few nights. He gets back on the couch, curling up and making himself as small as possible. He closes his eyes, hoping sleep will come to him.</p><p>Robert squeezes his eyes shut tightly as if that’s going to help him get to sleep. He opens them again within seconds- deciding to check the time. He realises that Aaron must be on his way back soon. Frowning, he tries to remember what he’s even done with his day. He doesn’t come up with much more than some tidying around and scrolling on his phone. He’s glad Aaron isn’t on an overnight trip, Robert’s honestly not sure if he could handle that in his current state.</p><p>
  <em>He was in a ‘state’ wasn’t he? This wasn’t exactly normal. It was getting worse.</em>
</p><p>He thinks of calling Vic- asking her if Rebecca would mind cutting Seb’s stay with them short. He misses his son, wants him to be here for their night in. He suddenly craves them all being together so much.</p><p>Before he knows it he’s got his coat on and he’s marching over to Keeper’s.</p><p> </p><p>He knocks but no-one opens the door. He looks through the window, sees no signs of life.</p><p><em>Have you gone out with Seb today? </em>He texts his sister. The message shows that it’s only been sent, not received. He knows it doesn’t have to mean anything at all but he can’t push down this immediate feeling of worry. As he walks all the way back to the Mill he tries calling his sister, five times- then Rebecca, who doesn’t pick up either.</p><p>When he closes the door behind him he notices how the house is still silent as ever. Robert really hates it.</p><p>As he bites the nail of his thumb and bounces his knee up and down, he realises that he literally can’t do anything right now other than wait.</p><p>He doesn’t like waiting. Dislikes not being in control even more.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>A vision of Seb falling over, crying his little heart out, Robert not being there with him to make it all better. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A vision of Victoria, Rebecca and Seb in a car accident. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Aaron, also in a car. Dealing with scrap day in day out. Visions of Aaron with a cut on his arm.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Visions of him being all on his own, the way he always expected to end up, back when he still thought he wouldn’t mind it. He can’t think of anything worse now.</em>
</p><p>He is glaring holes into his phone but no replies or calls from Victoria or Rebecca come through. No new messages from Aaron either. The only message he received from him throughout the day had been a photo from the view from the garage Aaron was at, his husband not being able to resist sharing a nice view of the sea.</p><p> </p><p>He grabs his phone and calls his husband, ignores the thought that he could be making things worse. Aaron is most likely in the car right now, he shouldn’t be talking to him while he’s driving.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello- Rob?”</p><p>“Hey” Robert hears how awfully out of breath he sounds- he doesn’t know why, he hadn’t done any running.</p><p>“Are you okay?” He rushes out and Aaron laughs on the other side of the phone.</p><p>“Yeah I am fine- on my way home now. Sorry- it was a bit mad here I forgot to text ya. Shouldn’t be too long now.” Robert feels relief flow through him. He tries to think of an excuse as to why he’s being like this but he isn’t quick enough.</p><p> “Is there something wrong?” Aaron is asking.</p><p>“Are you driving right now?” Robert suddenly remembers, his voice going higher. He knows he needs to hang up, Aaron is fine- but he can’t bring himself to end the call.</p><p>“Yeah- but it’s fine. I am not holding the phone- Robert is there something wrong, why did you call me?”</p><p>“I am sorry- I just needed to hear your voice, know that you’re okay.” He is aware of how ominous this sounds but it’s all he can say, it’s all he wanted to know after all.</p><p>“Rob-“ and Robert can practically see his husband’s worried expression, hears the barely masked concern in his voice.</p><p>“‘M sorry- was thinking about accidents and I-“ he cuts himself off, knows that he must sound like a madman to his husband.</p><p>“Robert, have you slept?” Robert hears his husband’s question, he sounds calmer now. He can’t make out any other sound which makes him think Aaron has stopped driving. Robert rolls his eyes against the fact that his husband has probably parked up somewhere to deal with his meltdown.</p><p>“Rob- answer me please.”</p><p>“I- no I haven’t- I couldn’t.”</p><p>“Right Rob- listen to me? I won’t be more than half an hour alright? And then you’ll get to see for yourself that I am still in one piece yeah?” Robert hears just how silly it all sounds- how stupid his own thoughts are. He studies his shaking hands while he slowly starts drowning in this panic he’s feeling about the fact that there is no way Aaron is going to let this go now. All the hiding had been for nothing because he messed up.</p><p>“Yeah” he whispers, remembers just in time that his husband is expecting an answer from him. “Okay- see you soon.”</p><p>“Love you Rob- I’ll be there soon.” Aaron’s voice sounds sad and Robert hates himself. He can feel the tears prickling in his eyes dangerously, feels the way his throat is tightening.</p><p>“Love you.” He ends the phone call quickly before the younger man can say anything else. He squeezes his hands together, doesn’t want to see them shaking anymore. That alone is simple enough evidence of <em>this</em>- whatever it is- being bad, being something he can’t and really shouldn’t be hiding from his husband anymore.</p><p>He doesn’t know how long he zones out for after ending the call, probably not even that long. All he knows is that he feels like he’s frozen, his chest is painful, the tight feeling not wanting to go away. The thought of having to tell Aaron about this whole mess is making him feel like he’s locked up with nowhere to go and the tightness in his chest is becoming worse as a result. It’s not that he doesn’t want Aaron with him right now, god he needs him- but he can’t stop picturing his husband’s sad or annoyed expression, or even worse- his look of <em>disappointment.</em></p><p> </p><p>Suddenly he hears the front door slam shut and he sits up straight, ready to ramble on about how he’s is fine, <em>really.</em> He’s decided that he’s still going to try that approach. His husband won’t buy it, he knows that but still he wants to try- wants to come across as in control even when he isn’t, not by a long stretch of the imagination. He’ll make it sound like a bad day, a one off.</p><p>When the door to the actual living area opens he takes a deep breath but trails off when he sees who is standing in front of him. It’s Liv- looking concerned. It doesn’t take him long to figure out what’s happened and he feels sick with it. Aaron has sent her to check up on him hasn’t he? He doesn’t like the idea of Liv worrying about him, it should only ever be the other way round.</p><p>“Hey Liv, you okay?” He thinks he sounds normal, hopes Liv believes his put together demeanour.</p><p>“Yeah” she sounds unsure. “And you?”</p><p>“I am good- do you want me to make you some food or?-”</p><p>“No, no you’re alright. I am just going upstairs.” And Robert just smiles at her and nods his head. He thinks he was convincing enough. He’s pretty sure she had been over at Gabby’s and hates that his behaviour has ruined her time. He sighs, feeling angry with himself.</p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p>Aaron still isn’t home and Robert’s fidgeting. He thinks of running off to the pub but letting Aaron come home to a missing Robert when he’s already worried about him doesn’t sound like a good idea. Instead, he tries the tv again- stops with his aimless zapping at some kind of action movie. He goes to lie down on the couch, maybe he can fall asleep, avoid the conversation for a bit longer. The fatigue is suddenly overwhelming and Robert thinks he might be able to get some sleep, <em>finally.</em></p><p> </p><p>Everything seems alright until it isn’t anymore and things happen fast.</p><p> </p><p>He finds himself sitting upright, eyes darting widely and it feels like a hand is grabbing his throat and he can’t breathe. There is something so heavy pressed on his chest. <em>A bang</em>. He’s sure he heard a loud bang and he puts his hand to his chest, tries to breathe in and out. He takes in his surroundings and realises it must have been the television, he is fine- he is okay. He just can’t breathe.</p><p>He is sure he hears more bangs, they are coming from outside. He winces at the sound- it all feels too much- maybe he is about to faint, if he could just <em>breathe-</em></p><p>The door flies open and Robert feels so relieved- still helpless and panicked but also relieved because Aaron is here now. All plans of making himself look calm and collected go flying out of the window but he doesn’t even care anymore. He’s just so tired.</p><p>He sees his husband’s face drop the minute he catches sight of the state of Robert but he composes himself just as fast and Robert thinks about how strong he is and how much he needs him. He holds one hand out, the other one still clutched to his chest.</p><p>“Aaron” it comes out as a sob but the younger man comes closer, probably realising it’s okay to touch him. Aaron kneels in front of him, positions himself so he can take Robert’s hand before pressing it against his own chest. His other hand comes up to touch Robert’s face and he feels himself lean into the comfort.</p><p>“You’re alright, I promise- just breathe in and out like this.” Robert feels everything slowing down, sounds becoming less loud and harsh, he focuses on Aaron’s touch, on Aaron’s words. It helps, he always helps him.</p><p>“You’re doing so well Rob- I am here now.” Aaron voice sounds wrecked but Robert thinks he can breathe after all, so at least that’s something. After a few moments, when Robert’s breathing is back to normal, Aaron brings his hand down from his own chest, squeezes it, before bringing his other hand up to touch him, both hands now framing Robert’s face.</p><p>“Hey Rob- can you look at me?” Aaron whispers softly and Robert realises that he’s had his eyes closed for a while now. He thinks of refusing-not ready to face it all just yet but he feels Aaron’s thumbs circling his skin and he wants to look at him so badly.</p><p>“Hey” Aaron says again. Robert counts to three in his head then opens his eyes. Aaron smiles encouragingly, it’s a tiny smile, not even a real one at all really- Robert knows this because his husband’s eyes are round and red and he doesn’t even want to think about his own state right now.</p><p>The younger man keeps staring at him, almost as if he’s thinking of the right things to say. Robert appreciates it. He used to imagine the screaming, the firing of questions whenever he thought about Aaron finding out what he had been hiding all this time. Instead it’s just quiet.</p><p>More tears are welling up in Aaron’s eyes as he’s drawing circles on Robert’s cheeks.</p><p>“How are you feeling?” Aaron asks, breaking the silence between them. Robert’s mind is still hazy, everything seems to be slow pace. He’s confused at first, the question one that really isn’t that misplaced considering the circumstances but still not one he expected.</p><p>“Rob?” Aaron prods, “how are you feeling right now?” He clarifies and Robert understands. It isn’t a question that’s meant to get him to talk, for now his husband is just concerned with the state of him right this moment.</p><p>“It’s foggy” Robert says and Aaron smiles understandingly. “I am good now you’re here” he adds and the younger man’s smile falters slightly, a sad expression now evident on his face. <em>Wrong thing to say clearly. Is Aaron angry with him? He has a right to be-</em></p><p>His thoughts are cut short when Aaron goes to stand up and his hands move away from his cheeks.</p><p>“Aaron?” He whispers, can hardly hear himself whilst he feels this panic and fear build up because Aaron really is angry isn’t he? The fear must have been evident in his voice and expression because suddenly he feels a hand touching his cheek again as Aaron goes to sit next to him on the couch.</p><p>“Look at me Rob” it sounds gentle not like a demand and he feels somewhat calmer. He turns around to see his husband looking at him again intently. “I am not going anywhere, just getting you some water alright?” He explains. Robert nods shyly and Aaron presses a kiss to his forehead before reassuring him again, “back in a sec, I promise.” The kitchen is only a few meters away from where they are sitting but Aaron senses that Robert needs him closer than that, close enough to just hold him and never let go.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Robert’s curled up on the couch, head on his husband’s chest as Aaron rubs at his arm and presses kisses into his hair. He doesn’t know how long they have been like this, he’s lost track of time- another regular occurrence for him nowadays. What he does know is that he doesn’t want this to end, doesn’t want to face all the questions. He wants to bask in this softness forever. Aaron is being so gentle with him, almost careful in his ways- and in normal circumstances Robert couldn’t imagine not finding it at least slightly annoying, being treated as if he’s about to break any second. But right now he just wants to bury himself in this feeling but unfortunately he knows it will soon be over and things will have to be said.</p><p>For now he’s just grateful that Aaron is giving him all this time to just calm down, to gather his thoughts and to rest. After the younger man made sure that Robert drank two glasses of water he had just gathered him in his arms and they have been cuddled up like this ever since.</p><p>Liv’s still upstairs, Robert’s convinced she must have been listening to music or something because he can’t imagine that she wouldn’t have come downstairs if she had heard his panic attack and Aaron calming him down. He hopes so anyway, he doesn’t want her to worry about him.</p><p>The silence carries on and Robert could probably fall asleep if he’d let himself but he holds on in a stubborn way because he knows that any minute now Aaron will start talking, start asking.</p><p>The quietness becomes more and more uncomfortable to him, because he’s just waiting, waiting for this gentleness to be over. He’s getting restless and can feel himself starting to fidget again. He decides to just bite the bullet himself.</p><p>He moves to sit up and Aaron relaxes his grip on him, sensing that he needs space. Still pressed against Aaron but no longer in his arms, he looks at him, searching his face and Aaron smiles at him warily, waiting patiently and probably expecting Robert to try and get out of talking about it all. Maybe his husband is right to expect that, even at this point Robert has no idea where this is going to go.</p><p>He takes a deep breath and begins to talk.</p><p>“I am sorry about earlier- I didn’t mean to-” he shrugs, knows that it’s the wrong thing to say, the wrong thing to start with if Aaron’s expression is anything to go by. His husband is frowning at him, mouth downturned.</p><p>“What are you sorry for Robert?” Aaron is looking at him pleadingly, like Robert being honest with him is all he wants.</p><p>“Freaking you out like that.”</p><p>Aaron starts shaking his head, he still looks sad and Robert hates it, but he’s back to feeling a strange kind of numbness in which he can’t really control or process what he’s saying before he says it, feels like he should just let everything wash over him.</p><p>“Robert-“ Aaron starts calmly, he’s still overwhelmingly calm and Robert doesn’t know whether that’s reassuring or whether it should make him worry even more, whether it should make him feel like there really is something wrong with him.</p><p>“I wasn’t freaked out, I was- well I am really worried about you, very worried actually. I’m not going to lie to you about that. You had a panic attack- I’ve never seen you like that. But you have nothing to be sorry for okay? I just want to help you. Please let me help you.”</p><p>Robert can only nod, doesn’t really know what he wants to say but he wants to let his husband know he’s heard him and that he understands. Of course he knows Aaron is worried. He’s had panic attacks before- it’s something they both struggle with. But he also knows his earlier one had been different, it seemed worse in a way. It will have definitely looked like that to his husband, also because he had to walk into the house seeing Robert like that, having no idea what had set him off or what had happened.</p><p>Robert tries to think of something to say, something that will reassure the younger man. It’s then he realises he’s not even sure where to start, everything seems a blur and a mess. The thought of having to go through it all, trying to explain his own messy brain seems terribly exhausting. He squeezes his eyes shut when he remembers that stupid phone call- he’d almost forgotten all about it, the panic attack that happened not even an hour ago still the most fresh in his mind.</p><p>Aaron squeezes his hand suddenly, looking worried “are you okay?” Robert is confused for a few seconds before he realises his husband must have seen him squeeze his eyes shut, as if were in pain. His emotions suddenly overwhelm him. Aaron’s being so gentle, soft and kind when he doesn’t deserve it. Taunted with thoughts that come to him out of nowhere, it sounds ridiculous, something that shouldn’t affect him the way it does. Not when he has a healthy, loving husband next to him, a beautiful son and two great sisters. It shouldn’t be allowed to affect him when his husband is the one carrying the most horrific memories of his childhood, memories that probably visit him at least once a day in whatever way. The same reservations he had when he first thought about telling Aaron are still very present in his mind. <em>You can’t tell him, you can’t-</em></p><p>He feels tears welling up in his eyes, the younger man still looking at him with a soft expression but worry evidently building up by the second.</p><p>“Aaron I don’t know- I can’t.” He takes a deep breath, tries to get it together. “I can’t explain, I don’t know how-“</p><p>Aaron moves in a bit closer and starts rubbing his arm, it’s comforting. He looks like he’s gathering his thoughts, trying to think of something to say and Robert just waits.</p><p>“Why don’t you tell me what happened today eh? You sounded so worried on the phone and-“ he trails off, sighs. “I know there’s something going on Rob- you weren’t yourself today and that panic attack, I’ve never seen you like that before. I just want to help you.”</p><p>Robert nods,<em> today</em>, it’s a good starting point he guesses, maybe he will be able to explain it all in some way, no matter how messy.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>To Robert it sounds as if he’s jumping from one thing to the next, words tumbling out, maybe they’re making sense, maybe not. But Aaron listens, doesn’t interrupt him. Sometimes he glances over to see how his husband is watching him speak. He looks at him just long enough for the younger man to smile or nod at him understandingly whenever he does so.</p><p>He starts off with trying to explain his thoughts.</p><p>
  <em>I know they’re not real, I just- it’s like when people worry about their loved ones being home late, getting in an accident, it’s like that but more often, and they are about other stuff as well. It’s mostly worry about that- accidents and me not being there.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Me losing people. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s about not being in control.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s just like a scene that pops into my head, like I don’t hold on to it or anything, it’s gone as quickly as it came but sometimes it’s worse than other times, more often than other days. </em>
</p><p>He explains to Aaron why he thinks today went the way it did. He tells him about the thoughts at night, the way he can’t sleep, the fact that he hasn’t had a good night’s sleep for ages. He tells him about the way his thoughts were running away with him once again after he was left alone, how he drifted in and out of a drowsy state. The bang, the worry, how it could have been a trigger for the panic attack.</p><p>A quick glance at his husband shows him that he seems to understand, seems to follow the story, or is at least pretending that he is- Robert doesn’t know. He can’t stop or he will never finish trying to get his messy thoughts out in the open.</p><p>He takes another deep breath. There are only a few more things he feels he has to mention to make the story as complete as possible, before he can regret it all and hide himself away.</p><p>
  <em>I had thoughts like this when I was a kid.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When mum died and I worried about being left all on my own.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I can’t seem to remember having it as a teenager but recently it’s started again. Daily. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maybe because all of the stuff with Lachlan. And Rebecca’s accident in January- Seb could have lost his mum. It just makes me obsess over him losing me or you or us.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“It shouldn’t even affect me like this. I’m sorry- it’s all so ridiculous I know that. I didn’t want to worry you or hide anything from you Aaron. I didn’t want to bother you with whatever this is. At the end of the day it isn’t real you know.” He finishes, and in the silence that follows he pretends that it never happened, that he never opened his mouth- that they’ve been sitting in silence this whole time. He feels his husband shift next to him, a sign that Aaron knows he’s finished talking.</p><p>He feels Aaron squeeze his shoulder, a gesture to show him he’s there but nothing too intimate, nothing too overwhelming.</p><p>Robert dares to look at his husband who’s gaze is focused on his lap, a pained expression on his face. Noticing Robert’s movement he suddenly meets his eyes.</p><p>“Rob- thank you for telling me-“ Robert looks at the younger man properly, he hadn’t expected that to be the first thing he’d say. He frowns, catching the vague expression on Aaron’s face, that pained look still visible in his eyes. Aaron turns away slightly, he clears his throat then looks at Robert again.</p><p>“I am getting you some more water yeah? You need it.” Robert feels fear building up, fear because he doesn’t know why Aaron seems so cold all of a sudden. He watches Aaron stand up to head to the kitchen.</p><p>“Okay” he manages to croak out, not realising his voice had gone this raw. He hadn’t been shouting or crying had he? The younger man turns around at that, suddenly hurrying over back to the couch and kneeling in front of Robert just like he had done earlier. He grabs Robert’s hand and gives it a quick squeeze before moving to kiss him on the forehead. Robert smiles softly, tears still filling his eyes.</p><p>“I love you, so much.” Aaron says and Robert feels safe again.</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Drink up, all of it.” Aaron says, handing him over a glass of water. There’s a half grin on his face- one that Robert’s happy to see. He gulps it down as he senses the way his husband’s taking in his state. He actually feels better, calmer although exhaustion is staring to creep in again.</p><p>“I got a text from Vic.” Aaron suddenly says and Robert remembers his earlier actions. He closes his eyes for a few seconds before asking what it said.</p><p>“She is mainly asking if you’re okay. Says she had many missed calls from you, and texts. Rebecca seems to have them too. They were out for the day, with Seb. You must have tried to reach them when they were without a signal or something.”</p><p>“Oh. Right.”</p><p>“Suppose you were worried about them as well.”</p><p>“I wanted to ask if we could have Seb for the night. I went round, seemed easier but they weren’t there. So I started calling and texting.”</p><p>“She also says that she rung you back the minute she could but you weren’t answering. That’s why she was getting worried about you.”</p><p>Robert has to supress a laugh at the irony- the fact his sister was worried about him when it was his worry and anxiety that had him calling her in the first place.</p><p>“I don’t think we should have Seb for the night anymore, not after all this.” It’s all Robert says and Aaron frowns at him. After a silence the younger man seems to take it as a sign that Robert must be open to more questions, to more talking- so he just nods.</p><p> </p><p>“How are you feeling now?” Aaron asks.</p><p>There had been a longer silence between them, neither of them sure what to do next.</p><p>“I’ve been better.” Robert tries to joke, wants everything between them to stay as light as this. “I am quite tired though” he adds honestly.</p><p>“Mmhh, that’ll be the panic attack- and lack of sleep.” Aaron says frowning, moving to brush his fingers through Robert’s hair.</p><p>“I am sorry for rushing away like that-“ Aaron continues- waits until Robert seems to get what he’s referring to. “I wasn’t trying to do that but it must have looked like that to you. I just wanted to do something- make things better immediately.” He looks confused, wringing his hands together and Robert feels his heart swell at the words. Aaron always believes he’s bad at this kind of stuff. He had probably felt quite out of his depth, his husband not used to such long confessions from Robert anymore. Neither of them were, they knew everything there was to know about one another, were always in tune with the other and what was upsetting them. It warms his heart that his husband had wanted to make things better for him immediately.</p><p>“I know.” Robert reassures, reaching out and finding Aaron’s hand. “You were upset” he states. Aaron’s head snaps up “not at you.”</p><p>“For me.”</p><p>Aaron sighs, his expression growing sad again “I just hate how you suffered on your own. Again. You said you couldn’t sleep last night, and that your worries about stuff had been getting worse recently and you just didn’t tell me.” Aaron sounds frustrated and Robert feels the need to match it- because it’s what they do, it’s how they work.</p><p>“Because it’s not that bad Aaron” he snaps. “I mean it’s not great but they are just unrealistic worries. I am not actually hurt, no one is. And I didn’t want this.” He meets Aaron’s eyes before continuing “I don’t want you to worry about me or feel sorry for me.”</p><p>“But it’s not nothing is it Robert? You had a panic attack.”</p><p>“You have panic attacks- and I’ve had them before” Robert counters. He knows that it’s stupid to have an argument about this but he can’t help the overwhelming desire to almost protect himself. He doesn’t want to think about there being something wrong with him, or Aaron thinking it.</p><p>“Yes! Which is why I was so scared earlier, it hadn’t been like that those other times Robert.” Aaron’s voice is softer again and Robert feels himself deflate.</p><p>“I hate seeing you like that, suffering. And earlier it was just-“ he trails off, not quite looking at Robert. “And yes, I have panic attacks as well. But I know my triggers and I know why they are triggers- well most of the time anyway.” Aaron sighs, realising Robert isn’t about to give him a reply yet. “What I’m trying to say is- maybe talking to someone will help you, someone who isn’t me.”</p><p>“And then what?” Robert’s not at all surprised at his husband bringing this up. He’s better at communication, better at talking about his feelings nowadays but that doesn’t mean he sees himself talking to a stranger about all his problems. His husband’s got that frustrated expression on his face again. “It can really help you Robert, I know you don’t like the idea of it. But I wish you would give it a try, find someone you feel comfortable with.”</p><p>“And if it doesn’t work?”</p><p>It’s not even that Robert doesn’t want to give it a chance whatsoever. He’s just not at all convinced it will help him, he’s glad it has and still helps his husband but him? He’s not so sure. The idea of putting himself through something so out of his comfort zone for it to change nothing? He feels silly, his eyes prickling with tears, this horrible feeling of hopelessness overwhelming him. One side of him truly wants to believe he can cope with it all by himself, maybe at some point the irrational thoughts will disappear again but then there’s also this part of him that thinks about the sleepless nights, the scary panic attacks and the light-headedness caused by irrational fears. Imagine if someone <em>would</em> be able to help him, someone that isn’t Aaron, someone he can talk to without worrying about how they will take it, how it will affect them. What if someone can help him understand it himself?</p><p>“Hey- Robert?” Aaron’s soft voice cuts through his thoughts, he can’t recall Aaron’s answer to his question, if he answered at all. His husband reaches out to rub along his arm.</p><p>“Hmm?”</p><p>“You zoned out there.” Aaron clarifies, eyes searching Robert’s.</p><p>“Just thinking.”</p><p>“Thought as much.”</p><p>“If you do give it a chance-” Aaron starts carefully “and it’s not for you or whatever, we will try something else. It could really help you Rob- and not with just this but I think it might be good for you to talk to someone about a lot of things. You’ve been through a lot in your life and as much as you like to downplay it most of the time- it affects you, and that’s okay. It’s understandable. There are days that you’re so inside your head that I’m worried that one day things will go too far. I don’t want to lose you.”</p><p>Robert feels the way his heart sinks in his chest. Aaron worrying about him <em>this much</em> is the last thing he wanted. How long had Aaron felt like this?</p><p>“How long?” he whispers.</p><p>“How long wha- oh. I don’t know.” Aaron shrugs and Robert notices how his husband is wringing his hands together again. “I just see it Rob- and I’m always scared of pushing you too much- but you deserve to get the help you need to make you able to cope better with stuff, I promise. You don’t have to be strong all the time. And I know I’m really not some kind of poster boy or summat for all this talking stuff and therapy- but really, you deserve to give it a try. And you’ve been through so much, so maybe now is the right time to talk about things so that you really can be in the best place possible.”</p><p>Robert just lets himself sag into his husband’s arms as he lets Aaron’s words wash over him. Aaron kisses at his hair.</p><p>“You don’t have to decide right now yeah? I’m just glad I know everything now. I’m not angry with you okay? Yeah, I would have preferred knowing about all this when it first started but it doesn’t matter now. I should have worked it all out much sooner anyway. I’m sorry I didn’t see what you were going through.”</p><p>“It’s not your fault Aaron. I’m good at hiding you know that.”</p><p>“You know you don’t have to hide from me right?”</p><p>“Yeah I know. I was just scared.”</p><p>Aaron nods. “I just want all this to get better for you. I’ll be there, every step of the way yeah?”</p><p>“I know you will. I love you. I’m truly sorry for worrying you like this. I want it to get better- I promise. I just didn’t quite know how to handle it all.” Robert is not lying, he wants to get better. He’s willing to accept help, it’s just that asking for it is terrifying. Telling Aaron that something is wrong with him, that he isn’t coping was terrifying. But his husband is still here and for now Robert believes that it will always be like this. He’s not going to lose him. He’s taken one of the most important steps today. He’s finally told Aaron all of it, it counts for a lot.</p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me about it.” It sort of comes out of nowhere and Robert has to resist a gasp. Aaron is looking at him, he’s biting his lip and there are tears in his eyes.</p><p>“Of course you didn’t. That wasn’t why I hid it all for so long. I told you this.”</p><p>“I know but I just-“</p><p>“Aaron, come here please.” Robert says and he watches his husband come over to the kitchen table where he’s sitting, a bag from the pharmacy in front of him.</p><p>“What’s going on?” Robert asks as he reaches over to cover Aaron’s hand with his own.</p><p>“Just wish I had found out sooner you know. You could have gotten help earlier.” Robert knows what Aaron means. This morning they went to see the doctor, they had talked about it all of last week and Robert had finally worked up the courage to make an appointment.</p><p>Whenever Robert had imagined finally telling his doctor about all this he used to see himself there on his own. Of course it hadn’t been like that. Now Aaron knows everything there was no way his husband was going to let him go to that appointment on his own. He had decided, with encouragement from Aaron to see the GP, mainly to talk about his sleeping problems and possibly get a prescription for it. They had both known that Robert would have to explain why he thought he had trouble sleeping and that one thing would lead to another but it helped that he could use his sleeping problems to get him over the threshold. It was the only thing he mentioned to the receptionist when he called to make an appointment, and it was the thing he could start with once he was sat in front of the doctor- with Aaron sitting next to him, holding his hand.</p><p>“I’m getting help now Aaron. I’m not saying it wouldn’t have been the right time earlier. God knows I could have done with talking and maybe even some pills way before this but it’s okay yeah? Nobody thinks I’m beyond help and I don’t think that either.”</p><p>“Of course no-one thinks that.” Aaron says and Robert smiles “what I mean to say is, it’s not your fault, none of this is. I’m finally taking steps towards getting better and that’s what we need to focus on yeah?”</p><p>“Alright.” Aaron says before covering Robert’s hand with his other. “I’m really proud of you, you know? You deserve to hear it.”</p><p>“Haven’t done anything yet.” Robert mumbles but Aaron doesn’t agree.</p><p>“Yes you have.” He says as he stands up again and kisses him on the forehead before he grabs the plastic bag on the table.</p><p>“I’m going to take these upstairs, put them on your bedside table, and then we can spend the rest of the day on the couch yeah?”</p><p>It makes Robert feels tearful but he smiles gently, nodding at his husband. “Okay. I’d like that- are you sure you can take a day off from work?”</p><p>“Yep. And don’t let me see you do any work from home either.”</p><p>“Alright boss.”</p><p> </p><p>—</p><p> </p><p>Robert’s trying to read the paper but no information is going in. As much as he’s trying to distract himself, it really isn’t working.</p><p>Aaron waves a plate in front of him and Robert pulls a face.</p><p>“You need to eat something.”</p><p>“I’m fine, I can eat when I’m back. It’s- I’m too nervous to eat right now.” Aaron softens and gives him a sympathetic smile, swooping away the newspaper and sitting down across from him.</p><p>“I get that. I’ll make you something when we’re back home but please eat just once slice of toast for now.”</p><p>“Alright then.” Robert says, grabbing it from the plate.</p><p>Both of them had been surprised at how soon Robert was able to see a counsellor. Aaron had given him some numbers and he had eventually called one of them to make an appointment (after staring at those numbers for days on end.) A few appointments had been cancelled which is why he had suddenly been at the top of the waiting list.</p><p>After Aaron had first mentioned seeing someone, Robert had become more and more welcome to the idea and his GP had also encouraged him to speak to someone to see how that would benefit him before they would discuss the route of antidepressants any further. It had shocked Robert when they were mentioned to him, not that he’s too opposed to taking medication these days- it just hadn’t occurred to him that antidepressants could be prescribed to help with anxiety. There had also been mentions of intrusive thoughts and anxiety disorders and it had made his blood run cold, a dizzy feeling overtaking him. He was thankful for Aaron’s hand in his, grounding him.</p><p>“I know you’re worried.” Aaron says, interrupting his thoughts. “The first time I went to see someone I was dreading it because I knew I had to recount so many things to them- but it does help. And if you don’t click with the counsellor you’re seeing today, you can go somewhere else. There are still so many options. And you can always take medication yeah? Whatever you need.”</p><p>“I know.” Robert says, blinking away the tears. Aaron’s constant encouragement and support in the last couple of weeks had meant everything to him, it had made everything ten times easier. Aaron never failed to make him understand that they were in this together. That Robert didn’t have to face any of it on his own.</p><p>His husband was going to take him to counselling today- sitting out Robert’s session in the waiting room. He’d assured Robert that he didn’t mind doing that for him every session, if Robert needed it.</p><p>“Just think about coming weekend. Seb will be with us and we can have a picnic on the beach, we can do some wedding planning and you can catch up on some more sleep.” Aaron says, dropping a kiss on the crown of Robert’s head before clearing the table.</p><p>“Can’t wait.” Robert says, no matter what happened today- he would still get that perfect sounding weekend. Sleep was becoming less and less of a problem, the sleeping tablets really benefiting Robert. His undereye circles had started to clear and he generally felt more energetic throughout the day. He was still being careful with coffee, Aaron sending him a pointed look whenever he even tried to reach for the coffeepot. It was getting better and for the first time in ages Robert felt like it could keep getting better. His thoughts weren’t full off fear of loss anymore. Things were really looking up.</p><p>“You ready?” Aaron asks, he’s standing in front of him holding both their coats.</p><p>“Yeah.” Robert says. “Let’s do this.”</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>many dream sl's for robert live in my head but one where his mental health gets explored is defnitely high on the list. </p><p>thank you for reading 🌹</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>